Thursday, August 5, 2010

A complete Update on Me! Raw and truthful!

So I know I have kind of up and disappeared. My blog is not the only place that has happened from though. First let me preface this post by saying what you will be reading is 'me uncensored and real'. I know going into this that I will get some support and I will also get some fall out do to what I write. I guess thats with anything in life though, right?

July 12th it was announced I had been chosen as a Mamavation Mom. I could not have been more excited or happy at that moment. I mean Mamavation is the reason I began my weight loss journey back in April. It is the reason I have totaled a weight loss of over 30 pounds since April! For that I will forever be thankful to Leah and the ladies of Mamavation. Saying that though being a Mamavation Mom does not jive well with a home life that already has some issues. (I will explain more later in this post)

July 22nd -25th I spent in New Orleans with a wonderful group of women bloggers brought together by Leah and Trisha (momdot). This trip was fun but not what I expected going into it. I think being a Mamavation Mom and going on trips like this is adding undue stress on an already stressful situation. I spent the entire weekend so stressed in what I could not do/eat that I did not enjoy myself in times I would normally have had a blast. I was so concerned with making the wonderful sponsors of Mamavation proud and making Leah proud that I actually did not get to be myself. I think it is funny I heard ladies spoke well of me at the end of the trip when in all honesty I left with fewer friends then I arrived with. There are certain ones I have not heard one word from since this trip. That is sad as these ladies are my biggest inspiration each day to do as I needed to. I look up to each and every one of them. I realized I am not ready to be away from my kids and out of my 'comfort' zone.

Online people get the impression of a cookie cutter family; we are anything but. We struggle financially day to day.  I will be 27 in just about 2 weeks and this is NOT where I thought my life would be. I thought I would have graduated from college, have a career , just be getting married and having kids, and own my own home. Instead I am a stay at home mom of two boys, never went to college, been divorced once, and rent a home. My husband works and lives two hours away and only comes home if he has 2 or more days off. We have our issues because of life's situations and for two years we have been on the brink of walking away. I recently found out I am pregnant. This came as a complete shock as I am on the mini-pill. Just after finding out I was pregnant and dealing with the fact I am not happy about this pregnancy.... I spend a night in the hospital. I was told there are some serious issues with this pregnancy.
My HCG is 35,000
There is a bleed near the sac in my uterus (no tubal)
I have a cyst on my right ovary and it is desinigrating (should not be till about 14 weeks)
There are two sacs but one has debris in it and is not viable
Sac two has nothing in it
Dr said I have a 50/50 chance right at this moment. I have to have a follow up later this week and see where my progesterone is (may need supplements, had those when I was preg with ds last year)

Ken and I thought again very heavily Monday about walking away from our marriage. We love each other more than anything in this world but we realize neither one of us is happy right now. After hours of batteling knowing we are to stubborn, hard headed, in love to not fight for our marriage; I made a counseling appointment. I have dropped out of Mamavation and I am sorry for everyone I have let down. I had two weeks to go but between this pregnancy and everything I felt this was best. Know this was never my intent. I will not be joining in on Mamavation as I know I can finish this journey on my own. I now have the confidence and tools to succeed. I will still be posting updates on my journey here on my blog.

I want to take this chance to one more time thank all the Mamavation sponsors. These are amazing companies and deserve much love.Earth Footwear, Smooth Fitness, EA Sports Active, and Chef’s Requested , Pete Cohen, Dr. Renna, and Tracey Mallet

I did not receive my treadmill so I can not really comment on that although how amazing is it from this company to give to much deserving moms. I truly will look into their treadmills at tax time as I really think this will help me continue my weight loss journey. I know as far as the rest of the companies you have me as a customer for life. Thank you for your help with my journey.

To my readers, I ask you from the bottom of my heart to keep my family and me in your thoughts and prayers. We need them now more than ever. Know that no family/life is perfect no matter how they are portrayed. I will also share (without great detail) our journey to making our family whole again. Your support means the world to me! 

(edited with bold so maybe my true feelings will come through instead of people telling me how awful I am. This post is about ME no one else!)


  1. Jess, I'm sorry for your struggles right now sweetie. I don't feel at all like you've let ME down. Sometimes life gets the best of us and it is beyond our control. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck! XOXO

  2. Praying for you, Jess. Thank you for being so real and sharing the tough stuff. I'm so proud of you two for sticking with your marriage and going to counseling. Being apart regularly is TOUGH and I hope that will change for you very soon. BIG hugs. I'm proud of you for doing what you feel you need to. The Sistahood will be fine. Can't wait to hear about the abundant blessings that will come into your life!

  3. Jess in all seriousness you have let no one down. If there is anyone who thinks this than they should really read your post again. I only wish you much love, many prayers and blessings for things to get better. Stay positive, know people care even when you think they don't and DO what is right for YOU and your family! xoxo

  4. Lots of Prayers and Positive Vibes going your way hun!

    You are STRONG and will make it through!!

    Keep us informed / vent here! You're not alone!

    <3 Laura

  5. Im so sorry you had a rough time...i do think the restrictions may have made it harder for you to let go, but i hope that you and i are still friends...even being the group manager i didnt get to spend time w/ everyone but i still care about you.


  6. Oh, honey -- I have been praying, praying, praying for you since I heard the news. I was told you no longer had internet access, which is why I haven't emailed.

    I am so sorry that it's just one stressful thing after another right now -- please don't hesitate to call me or email me. Do you have my phone number? Did I give it to you in New Orleans? If not, let me know and I'll send it to you. And, I'm serious . . . PLEASE call when you need to vent, cry, or share good news.

    I'm glad you and Ken are going to fight for your marriage -- you said it yourself, you two love each other. That's reason enough to battle FOR one another.

    Love you and praying for you.

  7. I have you and your family in my thoughts sweetie, and prayers as well. I'm here if you want to talk!

  8. Jess, I am really sorry to hear what you're going through. It must be so difficult. I remember getting pregnant when my IUD failed and I had a miscarriage. My hcg levels were over 70,000 and they had me scared that I might have an ectopic pregnancy or even a molar pregnancy. It was a nightmare because they had to continually monitor my hcg levels until they went back to zero.

    However, I'm glad to hear that you and your husband are trying to work things out. I've been thinking about how hard it must be on you to have hubby out of town all the time while you feel you have accomplished nothing but being a SAHM. All I can say about therapy/counseling is, if you get a bad feeling in your gut, don't wait it out -- find a new one immediately!

    As far as the drama surrounding BOBNOLA and friendships, there may have been a misunderstanding around this part of your post: "I think it is funny I heard ladies spoke well of me at the end of the trip when in all honesty I left with fewer friends then I arrived with." One flaw about the internet is that you can't really tell what the poster intended.

    I see a lot of defensiveness over what happened there, but you know, it's OK. You know who you are and you don't have to explain or justify what you did. Just let it go. You really have a lot of other things to worry about right now! Like you said -- it was an added stress to an already stressful situation. Just leave it at that.

    Take care!

  9. Jess,

    I know I don't know you but wanted to offer a shoulder. I have experienced a surprise pregnancy when things weren't not good with my marriage. And I've experienced some of the lowest of lows in a marriage and come back from it. If you need someone to talk to I'd be happy to share my struggles as well. My email is in my profile and on my blog!

  10. Jess,

    As a BBC lurker, I followed your Mamavation journey closely, both because it was an exciting competition, and because I have always struggled with weight loss and dieting myself.

    After miscarrying last year, I have been praying ever since your update regarding the news from the OB.

    All that to say You are NOT letting anyone down by being true to yourself - Take care of you, and that baby, and your family - the rest does not matter right now.
    That's my humble opinion - the others, well, if they feel let down, you are better off without them.
    Good luck!
    Mary Beth

  11. Jess I want you to know we love and support you at Mamavation. Things didn't go as planned but I am praying for you and hope we will see you around again in the future. But it definitely sounds like you have your priorities where they need to be, focused on you and your family. I will be praying for you and the DH that you can get back on track as a couple. HUGS I love ya, and miss ya!

  12. Jess,
    No worries girl. You have to do what is right for YOU - not anyone else. Being a Mamavation Mom is stressful enough - let alone having to go through all the things you went through. I hope that people can try to understand that... You didn't let anyone down in my opinion. Sponsors know the risk when they sign on because we ARE MOMS and WIVES and WOMEN who have lives outside of the blogosphere and sometimes (a lot of the time) that's just more important.

    I'm sorry you felt like you had to be restricted from being who you are while in NO. Never change who you are. You shouldn't worry so much about what everyone else thinks. Your true friends and people who care about you wouldn't judge you - nor would they ask things of you...they would want you to be YOU!


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